Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing or catastrophising? You know what I'm on about

Is catastrophizing a trauma response? I catastrophize all the time. Any decision I make, I meticulously weigh out the pros and cons, potential highs and lows but to a seemingly no-end-in-sight end. I can bully myself into not pursuing something because I think the worst possible outcome, being the epitome of unlikely to happen, is still too likely to happen. A slim chance is still a chance so why risk it? I exist in this indissoluble state of perpetual anxiety and fear in a world where bad things will always happen. It’s impossible for the chance of something bad happening to be impossible. It’s knackering. It’s slow. Sometimes this sedated state feels non-moving. Catatonic with fear is a feeling that’s mine. I mean does the fear belong to me or do I belong to the fear? The latter feels correct. It doesn’t feel like I have much control over this anxious energy that I regularly radiate. Gushing from from my pores (nope that’s the accompanying hot flushes from the old sweat glands lol). It’s like a vibration. Starting in my temples then abruptly working its way down. Dry eyes. Dry throat. Rapid heartbeat. It's not an outer body experience but I definitely don’t feel as present in my body. I’m thinking so much that all the attention and focus is on my head. All other feelings and senses fade into background obscurity. Fuzzy. Fuzzy is a great word to describe the effect of my catatonic anxious state that is a result of catastrophizing.

Let's use work as an example. Say I get critique back from my manager, something to improve on. My initial thought process is as follows,

“I’m shit at my job. They know I’m shit at my job. I can’t do anything right. I’m going to lose my job. They want to get rid of me. What’s the job market like? What if finding a new job takes a long time? How am I going to pay my rent and bills?”

The psyche cesspool that is this response is highly disproportionate to the event that happened. But reality can turn real bad real quick so I guess I want to be prepared? Or maybe because historically the worst has happened so I’m expecting the worst?

Or maybe I feel like a fake. Hi imposter syndrome, how not so great to make your acquaintance. Everyone else is fit for this job but I’m playing a role. Everyone else belongs but I don’t. I’m a phoney. God I feel that so much. What pinnacle of all pinnacles must I reach to finally feel like I am worthy of a job title I hold? Actually, forget job title, any title. I write Sober Millennial. I publish issues online every week. Do I call myself a writer? No. But I am writing. I am writing and publishing. Maybe not in the traditional sense. I’m not being paid for it but I am writing. But why does calling myself a writer feel wrong? Why do I feel I’m not worth the validity of that title? Well, there’s a ton of reasons. There’s the archaic view of what a writer looks like, sounds like, lives like but that’s another story. I talk about valuing myself, and being intentional in my actions. I guess being intentional doesn’t always mean being confident.

Confidence and validation. They feel like they’re on opposite ends of the spectrum. If you’re confident then you don’t need validation from anything, let alone a title. Right? 

Sometimes, when I have some breathing room in my cluttered brain space, I think,

“How do other people think?”

Is a thought a single thought that might connect to another like playing dot to dot, rather than one thought linking to another to create a web of catastrophe? I don’t know if every person has moments of catastrophizing. Actually, people probably do when they receive an awful piece of information. Catastrophizing is warranted in that circumstance. That’s a proportionate reaction to have.

On a regular basis though, the catastrophe fuse ignited by not filling up the kettle with enough water, chicken going dry from being in the airfryer too long, finishing my run 4 seconds earlier than I was supposed to (literally pressing the cool down button 4 seconds earlier that intended then thinking I’ve ruined my entire running progress that I’ve built over the last 4 months)...this isn’t warranted.

Alcohol makes anxiety worse. Not in the moment but the day after usually. That was definitely the case for me. The rush of dopamine in the moment of downing a rum and coke, the warmth in my skin a sign that I’m literally radiating positive energy. It was great for about 15 minutes until I needed to pour my second drink, another 15 mins and then my third, some shots now then a fourth and then 3 shots and so on. 

I had to keep feeding the beast to keep it at bay so the anxiety wouldn’t fester and erupt like if you took a baseball bat to a beehive. But that’s exactly what happened, just the next day. Hangovers were rare for me but overwhelming, all-consuming anxiety and depressive moments the day after were inevitable. A cycle of feeling awful and trying to heal with alcohol. “Oh I’m feeling low. Weird. I was so happy last night.” Poor uneducated me. You were only happy because of the synthetic dopamine! This is a comedown. I don’t think alcohol comedowns are spoken about much. Maybe because the term comedown is typically associated with Class A drugs, so assigning that value to alcohol might feel like an unjustified overestimation or like an exaggeration. Or maybe, if alcohol was associated with any of the symptoms that occur with class A drugs, that alignment would make the billion pound alcohol industry collapse because people would be like, “Oh shit this is really bad.”

How does sober me deal with catastrophizing? Surprise surprise, I have a routine.

 

First, deep breaths. Deep breathing allows me to put myself back in my body and focus. Focus is key. 

Then we move onto my stop-and-look-at-what-actually-happened approach. Ground myself in reality. No inferring. Strip it back. Remove those anxious, overthought layers. No one needs an anxiety lasagne.  

Third, ask myself a few questions. How do I feel? What event made me feel this? What can I do? And plan accordingly. Even just a loose plan to feel like something is in my control. This let’s me pinpoint the emotion that was actually triggered, feel it and move forward

Then I most likely need a serotonin boost so I get cuddles from Khleo 🐾 and the bf. Sorted. Carry on with my day, which means carrying on with my life and ultimately appreciating my life. Now I have the brain capacity to remember the things I adore and can actually do. I can bake my protein breakfast cakes (using the term ‘bake’ very loosely lol). I can walk Khleo in her fluffy baby pink jacket. I can listen to a podcast I love (Bad Dates hosted by Jameela Jamil is hilarious and the audio pick-me-up I need). I can rewatch Schitts’ Creek! This is my tried and tested method to help me in those moments when my brain is trying to sense ALL of the potential dangers and prepare. Poor brain. It’s trying to do what it’s supposed to do (i.e. keep me safe) but somewhere along the line it’s been knocked into hyperdrive and I have ZERO idea how to flip it back permanently. My routine might sound like a lot but I’ve spent more energy doing less beneficial things so I’m happy with this.

I’m not trying to come across like my catastrophizing issue is the biggest problem in the world. It’s obviously not. But I’m not in the game of comparing people’s individual problems because it’s all relative to someone’s experience. I don’t think trump cards of suffering should be used against people, but I think it happens so people feel justified in their struggle compared to someone else, in case someone tries to diminish their pain. I think if we had more empathy for others, led with love and understanding rather than comparison and competition, we’d probably feel a lot better. I don’t care if it’s a simplistic view. Who wins when we complicate things that don’t need layers of ‘nuance’ injected? It’s like we’re just utilising our ability for critical thinking, original thought and creativity to destroy each other. And for what? Power? To keep people marginalised and suffering? To subordinate people. To step on people to elevate yourself. To stamp people down into the ground to inflate your own sense of worth. If the only way for you to feel empowered is for someone else to not be empowered, are you really empowered? If it’s rigged, are you really winning?  

It’s funny because since getting sober I’ve made a conscious effort to move towards things that make me feel uncomfortable. Move towards things that I find challenging. If I’m rattled, that’s most likely highlighting something in me that I could work on. Maybe a weakness, a blind spot, something that can be improved. If something rubs me the wrong way, why is it so? Why is it grating on me? It sounds counterintuitive in a post called ‘Catastrophizing’, but staying in comfort does not feel right. My body understands and likes the comfort but my gut instinct is saying no. Move towards the discomfort. I trust my gut.