There are certain words that when they leave the mouth of a certain person, it removes a feeling in you and replaces it with something else. In a matter of seconds a single utterance of clumsy phonemes strung together like trainers thrown over a telephone wire, form meaning and poof - the familiar feeling that once felt like home is sucked out of your gut with the precision and ferocity of a surgical tool. Gone. In its place isn’t anger, sadness or even hurt - only emptiness. Once the hollowness takes hold it triggers a haze to cover the body. Like there’s a murky monocle that’s slotted itself between you and the world. It's all muscle memory from here on out. And where is out? When is out? Maybe this nothingness is a survival tactic that allows you to stay put until you’re able to find out.
Words are a funny thing. On paper they have meaning but they need people to hold power. Not random people you see on the street, or people you find in the comments section but special people. I don’t mean artists, celebrities, athletes, politicians etc (although the words of these people typically are of note to many). I mean the people who mean something…everything, to us. A word of theirs can make your day or break it. It can transform an abysmal existence on a wearisome Wednesday to that Friday feeling. Or it can drape a dense fog of gasoline infused darkness over what was initially a bright, blue-skied, smell-the-roses, clear as day, day.
I hear, “People can only affect you if you let them.” This is true. But you most likely already gave that power to your special people long ago. So as their words are an extension of themselves, the value assigned to those words is immense. They have the power to crush you or lift you up. Once those words are out circulating in the ether, they gravitate towards your head and wrap around your mind so tightly to squeeze out new interpretations. You try them on and take them off until you forget to undress and all of a sudden you find yourself wearing layers of hurt. You try to find the original but they’ve all somehow stitched themselves together so you tug at one and get another. A 2 for 1, 3 for 2, buy 1 get 9 free.
Can you trust yourself? Is that why you question yourself? Interrogate yourself to the nth degree because the devil is in the detail but he might also be in your ear whispering narratives you need to believe so you can justify your pain.
Is your pain even real? Or are you making something about you that isn’t?
Wow, kind of narcissistic no? You’re kind of selfish, so, is that why you can’t make the effort? Too busy thinking of you instead of me? Making time for your hopes and dreams, but what about mine?
I didn’t know you had any since your lust for life is in decline. I’m not blind. But I am confused. Because your colours change so often and I get lost in the hues.
See? How we’re back to talking about you? What a wicked game to play. You twist and turn until I’m catching strays.
Why were you holding a gun in the first place?
When someone wants to fight, they will fight. If someone is feeling bad, chances are they want to take some of their hurt away by giving it to you. And you can go back forth in your mind rationalising wtf just happened but you can’t apply your idea of logic and rationale to a situation that is steeped in someone else’s emotions. Try not to spiral. Try not to gaslight yourself. And maybe its time to take them off the damn pedestal✌🏽
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